a thought and a question

first the question. is this a "creepy" blog? anyone is free to answer. todd told me the pictures are creepy. i think they are artistic. different humans, different opinions.

now the thought. so yesterday i was in hopkins and i took my new laptop (which is weird) and i went out by the pool at a resort in front of the ocean. it was almost like an out of body experience. i was imagining myself as someone else walking out by the pool and sitting down like this was normal life. and really to a good portion of the world.. that is normal life. and not just to fancy people with razor phones and a tan. in fact, oddly enough one of the people i was picturing myself as is a girl i knew at Utah State in natural resources. her name is erin and i did surveys for her in the grand staircase escalante in southern utah. i could see her sitting by this pool, looking a little grundgy, drinking out of her hip thermal mug, laughing with friends and looking over the collected data on her laptop. at home you can find that strange mix of hippy earthy and modern techy... you know.

anyhow, i was thinking how this possibly normal existence to half the world, is maybe the furthest thing from normal for the other half of the world. and now that i have lived in and seen and experienced both sides, how can i ever do either or both again with out feeling at least a little bit weird or abnormal.

and so that explains my current and consistent state of feeling so in between and conflicting and contradicting about just about everthing.

worldly thought

i saw brandi carlile on tv a while ago. she was being interviewed and she said something like "we need strong girls, who aren't worried about being too pretty." i keep going back to that in reguards to priorities and feeling good enough. what ever that means. but anyhow, isn't it wierd how we compensate for things we lack that we feel are a priority? you know, like how sometimes really funny people are ones who never felt like they could get along just by thier looks. and really lame people. well. or people who never really caught on socially become acutely skilled or knowledgable in something random like cooking or mideivel times armor and fighting techniques. so that if there's ever a moment where they feel lacking they can boss you around or pull out a worthless fact. hmm. "aren't worried about being too pretty.." so maybe the take home message is more about not feeling the need to compensate. i dont know.

worlds colliding

there is such a strange feeling in belize of a mixing or coliding and sometimes even clashing of worlds. as johnny so eloquently put it "you can see someone walking down the road with a razor phone, passing a guy in the street with a machete." you see kids coming out of thatched or board houses, who maybe just got done taking bucket baths and using latrines, with ipods in their ears. kids writing all thier notes in old school notebooks and using texts books from 1972, and then going to surf the net. right on the same road will be a huge overdone resort and then people burning their trash in thier front yards. you'll see a family driving an SUV past a family of 6 on one bicycle. teethless, clueless women on the bus next to kids who worship biance and usher. you can walk into a pristine village, hidden in the jungle. all the kids have worms....but they are getting an internet cafe. this paradox seems to be the running theme.




it's wierd to feel so close to home, but every time to reach out to touch it, it slips away. it's almost there, but not. almost developed, but not. planet wierd.

welcome to planet earth

or my version of it.

judgement is simply a reflection of fear. a confession that we don't understand something. so being judged can so easily be disregarded. and downplayed to something mistaken or miss taken.

so. there it is.

darko

i like the very end of donny darko when they are all outside of the house all depressed. i like it because the dad is holding and comforting the kid the mom is smoking and it's so quirky. i don't feel good about smoking at all, but it is just so refreshing to see the lady in the movie be imperfect but still loved. it just seems like it's the other way around too often.

we live in a beautiful world

i believe that the world craves beauty. beautiful places, art, creations, people. beautiful music, voices, faces, and eyes. lately i have craved creating beauty, and so i have surrounded my self with beautiful things. i put art up around my house, i light candles at night. i listen to beautiful music, hang around beautiful people, and try to fill my mind with beautiful thoughts and words. i believe that we become what we are surrounded by, and that is why surroundings are so important to me.

planet wierd

First of all, this picture makes me laugh. i love how creepy and serious i look. but i really love the colors.

i feel like i have landed on another planet. each night i rest in someone else's reality, and i wake in someone else's world. this is what they know, but what i know is something very different. the things we feel, think, and want are not the same. for me this is a moment, for them it is a life.