is anyone still listening??

there is something about being human that makes us want to find meaning in something. maybe not everything, but at least something. lately i have had so much on my mind. so much that i maybe don't need to find meaning in, but that i want so desperately to mean something. all of everything i am made up of is from every thing i have ever done and from everything that has surrounded me. every step i've ran, every particle of air i've breathed, every moment of sun or moment of staring at the moon. it's all a part of me, and i've just wanted it to mean something. how many times have i gone to the mountains? how many times have i sat by the sea. and what is it worth? what does it mean? what has it made me? and can anyone see it?

i ran almost everyday in the rainforests in alaska. around and around a lake called little dewey. up and down the rooted trail. i tripped on that trail. i bled on that trail. i stared at my reflection in the sap on the pine trees. i cried when i had to leave them. i actually hugged the trees. i carried a raft up the trail during my last week there so i could lay float on little dewey and listen teitur. "i was just thinking. i was just missing you and dreaming i slept with you.. don't get me wrong i still desperately love you.... inside this little head." and what does that mean?

i spent a summer sweating in a back a bush village in the middle of no where. i walked and sweat and felt myself getting stronger and hungrier every day. i held a baby there and i loved him. we called him french fry. i heard his body smack on the concrete floor at night in the crowded house while i slept under a sticky misquito net with todd. i rocked that baby in a hammock and he threw up all over me. i loved him and left him with a mom who was never there and pregnant again. what does that mean??

i feel like since i have been home, being real has been almost too painful. to admit hurt to admit not knowing. to try to find meaning. to try to share that the way you feel it. what the hell does it mean?