worldly thought

i saw brandi carlile on tv a while ago. she was being interviewed and she said something like "we need strong girls, who aren't worried about being too pretty." i keep going back to that in reguards to priorities and feeling good enough. what ever that means. but anyhow, isn't it wierd how we compensate for things we lack that we feel are a priority? you know, like how sometimes really funny people are ones who never felt like they could get along just by thier looks. and really lame people. well. or people who never really caught on socially become acutely skilled or knowledgable in something random like cooking or mideivel times armor and fighting techniques. so that if there's ever a moment where they feel lacking they can boss you around or pull out a worthless fact. hmm. "aren't worried about being too pretty.." so maybe the take home message is more about not feeling the need to compensate. i dont know.

worlds colliding

there is such a strange feeling in belize of a mixing or coliding and sometimes even clashing of worlds. as johnny so eloquently put it "you can see someone walking down the road with a razor phone, passing a guy in the street with a machete." you see kids coming out of thatched or board houses, who maybe just got done taking bucket baths and using latrines, with ipods in their ears. kids writing all thier notes in old school notebooks and using texts books from 1972, and then going to surf the net. right on the same road will be a huge overdone resort and then people burning their trash in thier front yards. you'll see a family driving an SUV past a family of 6 on one bicycle. teethless, clueless women on the bus next to kids who worship biance and usher. you can walk into a pristine village, hidden in the jungle. all the kids have worms....but they are getting an internet cafe. this paradox seems to be the running theme.




it's wierd to feel so close to home, but every time to reach out to touch it, it slips away. it's almost there, but not. almost developed, but not. planet wierd.

welcome to planet earth

or my version of it.

judgement is simply a reflection of fear. a confession that we don't understand something. so being judged can so easily be disregarded. and downplayed to something mistaken or miss taken.

so. there it is.

darko

i like the very end of donny darko when they are all outside of the house all depressed. i like it because the dad is holding and comforting the kid the mom is smoking and it's so quirky. i don't feel good about smoking at all, but it is just so refreshing to see the lady in the movie be imperfect but still loved. it just seems like it's the other way around too often.

we live in a beautiful world

i believe that the world craves beauty. beautiful places, art, creations, people. beautiful music, voices, faces, and eyes. lately i have craved creating beauty, and so i have surrounded my self with beautiful things. i put art up around my house, i light candles at night. i listen to beautiful music, hang around beautiful people, and try to fill my mind with beautiful thoughts and words. i believe that we become what we are surrounded by, and that is why surroundings are so important to me.

planet wierd

First of all, this picture makes me laugh. i love how creepy and serious i look. but i really love the colors.

i feel like i have landed on another planet. each night i rest in someone else's reality, and i wake in someone else's world. this is what they know, but what i know is something very different. the things we feel, think, and want are not the same. for me this is a moment, for them it is a life.

o well

secrets out. don't tell. how short lived.

sometimes i feel like so much of life is deep in your head. swirling around, and some how you think that everyone around you is aware of all your thoughts and anxieties and decision making processes. but the beautiful thing about life is that they have no idea. you can be a complete wreck in your head and then in a swift moment of "i'll take chocolate.." no one has any idea that you are completely falling apart inside because of having to make the decision. you really can 'appear' to be just about as put together as you want. but the real wonderful thing i have learned lately is a trick my friend sara taught me out of a book she read. it is about controlling anger ultimately, but really it works for any emotion you feel is too strong. you just say in your head "i have control over my body" suddenly you have taken the power away from the emotion and given the power back to yourself. i love the feeling of having power over what i feel, because i think too often we think that what we feel is a part of our lives that we can never choose. it just seems to be what it is.

www.wefeelfine.org

our time must be so evenly split between thinking our thoughts and talking to others. sometimes i choose to stay in my mind while on the bus. i feel a little judgemental by finding the person next to me less valuable to talk to than the thoughts in my head. but in order to progress we must get enough of both. so in that way, i feel justified.

lately i have been working on self improvement. well, more than normal i guess. it's been awesome to look inside and think about things that i want to do different, or get control of. besides personality things, i am also on a cleansing diet to clear out my system. today all we have had is water with limes and honey and some tea. my body feels like it is buzzing. there is something to self indulgence in the pleasures of life and something else to the strength in restraining. there is even something greater in the balance of both.

yes.

this is truly a miracle for me. i have not told a soul. this is maybe the longest i've kept a secret about myself. for some reason i always tell on myself. especially about bad stuff. i can't think of too much that is on my mind today, i just wanted to do a first post. just one thing, this weekend i played with a kitten and i wondered, 'why is it when we grow up that we forget about things like how kittens purr?' when i was younger my mind was consumed with thoughts like kittens purring, and caterpillers getting enough to eat so they can turn into a butterfly. growing up is weird.